he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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