i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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