I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
