I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
