He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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