2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
