My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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