we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
