I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
