So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
