Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
