First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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