Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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