I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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