He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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