kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
