Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize