Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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