i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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