who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
