You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
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he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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