ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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