Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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