i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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