I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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