I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
