Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
