I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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