I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
