Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
