My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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