I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
