I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
