i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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