I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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