Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
