It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
