He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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