today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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