For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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