I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just cropdusted the office
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
