I will die if light touches me.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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