i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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