why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
