I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
