My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
