Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
