What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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