he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
