his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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