I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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