That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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