I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
