and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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